My time in Nullibiety

http://snipurl.com/do3vf

Since I’m an early riser and, as a result, a habitual napper, I appreciate my quiet afternoons and have tried to get myself on every no-call list I’ve heard about. It seemed to be working swimmingly for a while as the phone almost never rang and when it did and I bothered to pick it up I found that someone I knew and wanted to talk to was usually on the other end. Lately however, a new breed of harasser seems to have entered the scene. Company's that have decided the no call lists don't apply to them since they are conducting "scientific research" instead of irritating marketing. The most recent offender seems to be some sort of horseshit firm from Portland, Oregon. When I punched their number into Google, I found that a bunch of other people have been complaining about them. Some sample comments.

”This company called about 5 times when asked not to call and remove my name from there list the guy said good luck. A-- Hole!!.
here is the link I am going to call there main number and raise some hell.
http://www.rdd.info/home.html”

”I went to the www.rdd.info website, called, & after the broad that answered said "The Federal Do Not Call list does not apply to us", I told her don't ever call me again, & she said she would add me to their Do Not Call list”

” I got a call today from 1-503-977-6714. It was actually for my husband but he was out of the house and the gal on the phone would not give me the time of day. She tried to hang up on me but I managed to ask her who she was and how she got this number because we too are on the do not call list. She said it was a survey, she was from RRD and the number was from the voter registeration. I asked her to remove my number from their calling list and she refused saying that I was not the intendend receipient of the call and if I were my spouse she could do that. Urgh!!

”I went to their website and was able to get some numbers and e-mails. I’ve been pounding away at them.”

I have caller ID and don’t answer numbers I don’t recognize but on about the fifth time these folks woke me up, I finally picked up the phone.

Hello

Is this Mr (mispronounced name)?

Something like that

Would you have time to answer a few questions?

I have the time but I don’t appreciate being called at home

I will only take a few minutes of your time sir

As I said, it’s not the time I’m concerned with it’s the fact that I was doing something else, something enjoyable and relaxing and your call interrupted it

Only a couple minutes sir

Okay but you need to put me on your do not call list after we’re done

That’s fine sir. First question – How many times a week would you say you dine out?

I only eat heaping plates of feces

Excuse me

I said the only thing I eat are heaping plates of feces.

Would you say you eat out more than five times a week?

Only if I’ve just fellated an elephant

I beg your pardon

I said I only treat myself to an out to eat if I’ve just blown an elephant

Is anyone in your home a smoker

Only of donkey pole

Of what

Several people live here who suck donkey dicks. This shouldn’t be a shock to someone who does what you do for a living.

OK sir there’s absolutely no reason to be rude

Isn’t there? What could be ruder than calling up a person who’s worked an all night shift and is simply trying to get some sleep and instead has to climb out of bed and talk to you about dining and smoking habits? Smoking of all things. Let me ask you a question. Does anyone still smoke? Do you?

Does your town have a ban on smoking in restaurants?

Isn't that something you can easily look up?

When eating out do you typically sit in the smoking or non smoking section?

Smoking, I love smoking. I’m thinking about filling the house with burlap sacks of leaves and dung and lighting them on fire right before ordering out a big plate of duck confit. But first I have to take the cow out back and shave his ass and lotion him up with SPF 50.

Would you avoid a restaurant that allowed smoking?

I would unless the offered gophers

Gophers?

Yes for happy hour. I like them on a stick. You douse them in Slap My Ass and Call Me Sally brand hot sauce and nibble their soft bellies to accompany a Mint Julep.

You’re not taking these questions seriously

No I’m not

Are you over or under 25

I died five years ago a week before I was born

Good bye sir.

Call again anytime. I know you will.

Not sure where this list came from or who comprised it but, looking it over, I'm most surprised by some of the books I still haven't got around to reading. Conversely, there seem to be some I know I've read but don't remember a thing about and others I never would have opened had I not been asked to on the way to a minor in English literature. The best of the tomes that I have tackled so far are 13, 18,  62, 66, 89, 95.

It appears I have some reading to do..

 

1.  (X) Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2.  (X) The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3.  (X) Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4.  ( ) Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5.  (X) To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6.  ( ) The Bible
7.  (X) Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8.  (X) Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9.  ( ) His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. (X) Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. (X) Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. (X) Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. (X) Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. (X) Complete Works of Shakespeare
15. ( ) Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. (X) The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. ( ) Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18. (X) Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. ( ) The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. ( ) Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. ( ) Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. (X) The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. (X) Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. ( ) War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. ( ) The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. ( ) Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. (X) Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. (X) Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. (X) Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. (X) The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. (X) Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. (X) David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. (X) Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. (X) Emma - Jane Austen
35. (X) Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. (X) The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37. ( ) The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. ( ) Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. ( ) Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. (X) Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41. (X) Animal Farm - George Orwell
42. (X) The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. ( ) One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. (X) A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. ( ) The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. ( ) Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. ( ) Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. (X) The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. (X) Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. ( ) Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. (X) Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. ( ) Dune - Frank Herbert
53. ( ) Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. (X) Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. ( ) A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. ( ) The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. (X) A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. (X) Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. ( ) The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60. ( ) Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. (X) Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62. (X) Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. ( ) The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. ( ) The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. ( ) Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. (X) On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. ( ) Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. ( ) Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69. ( ) Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70. (X) Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71. (X) Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. (X) Dracula - Bram Stoker
73. ( ) The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. (X) Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. ( ) Ulysses - James Joyce
76. (X) The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. (X) Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. ( ) Germinal - Emile Zola
79. (X) Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. ( ) Possession - AS Byatt
81. (X) A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. ( ) Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. (X) The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. (X) The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. (X) Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. ( ) A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87. (X) Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88. ( ) The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. (X) Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. ( ) The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. (X) Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. ( ) The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint
93. ( ) The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. ( ) Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. (X) A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. ( ) A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. ( ) The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. (X) Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99. (X) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100.(X) Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Was texting with a friend to kill time the other day when she noted that some actor was okay but “not really at the top of her list.” And just what type of bloke would find himself at the top of this list then, I wanted to know. “Real blokes," she asked, "or fictional?”. Hmm. Interesting. Throw them all together, I finally replied. She came back with a list of several people I’ve never heard of along with Clive Owen, Daniel Craig, Jack Aubrey, Jim Chee and me. “Now your turn,”  said the screen. This should be easy I thought, ignoring the elephant that had just entered the room. Easy, until I started pondering the possibilities.

First of all, while I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be any great treat to actually hang with someone like Cameron Diaz or Jennifer Aniston personally, the allure and charm of some of the characters they’ve played isn’t lost on me. Just for example, there was indeed Something about Mary and if Along Came Polly and presented herself for some sort of ditzy intimate encounter it would be hard to close the door in her face. I have no hopes, plans or real interest in meeting Kim Basinger either (just for another stretch) but would cross the country in a minute just to spend an night with Marion from The Door in the Floor. With certain actresses you get more of a "what you see is what you get feeling" but it’s always hard to tell. Having dated one for five years and moved around in their world a little bit it became abundatly clear that most of them don't get to where they are without being incredibly self centered. Charlize seems real though. Scarjo, intelligent and interesting. Natalie Portman? Kate Winslett?

With fictional characters from the literary realm you have more to work with and nothing to worry about as far as being disappointed since the interpretation was up to you in the first place. You’ll never get any further with them physically than you’ve already gotten anyway no matter how many times you you chose to delve into their story. With someone like Marion's daughter Ruth in A Widow for One Year, Mr. Irving has provided every facet of her life in detail for one to dissect so they might decide whether to literarily lust after her or not. Then there's musicians, where you have their work, words, voices and your observations of them when taking in a live performance. With folks from the blogosphere…. well it depends but I would argue that they are mostly fictional characters as well. Anyway, here’s the list I came up with just typing with my thumbs on my phone and off the top of my head.

In no particular order: Ruth Cole, The characters, Connie Britton and Jennifer Jostyn play in The Brother’s McMullen, Liz Phair, Virginia Madsen’s philosophizing, wine loving waitress Maya from Sideways, new crush Cassie Maddox, Christie Kerr, Franny, Annie, The Wonkette, The Princess Leigh Cheri, Blaze (either the real one or Lolita Davidovich) Lolita (either the real one or Sue Lyon), Nately’s whore, Sugaree, Jordan Dane, Lynne Russell, Kasey Chambers, Sally Hayes, Vicki LaMotta, Vicola, Carrie Rodriquez, Johnette N, Elizabeth Bennett, Kitty I, Mrs. Robinson, Brett Ashley, the Stephanies L, G, and Sunshine, the woman in the black one piece who swims next to me sometimes, Serena, Anita Ekberg, Lin Sue Cooney, Gillian Welch, and Jenny Finch.

And I’m quite sure there are many others.

Whew.

That was a completely pointless yet enjoyable exercise.

I just read an excellent book and when I say read these days I usually mean listened to just as when I say “say” these days I usually mean typed. Anyway, the book is called “The Likeness” by Tana French. I listen to mostly mysteries anymore on my commute because I’ve read most of the classics available auditorily and mysteries seem more compatible with driving when your attention can’t always be hanging on each and every word. I’ve hung on every word of this book though and I’m not sure how much of that has to do with the charming lilt of the Irish reader Heather O’Neil or the writing itself. The book transcends the genre and then some and features a young Dublin detective named Cassandra Maddox who finds herself in another world suddenly when a girl who seems to be her identical twin is found murdered. Her boss convinces her to enter the dead girl's life undercover as if she survived the attack and she enters a Jason Bourne like existence where she has to guess who she is and was at every turn and what the character she’s imitating would have done in certain situations. The murdered girl lived on a country estate with four roommates who are all suspects of course and was part of a unique and complex relationship, which slowly unfolds. As happens to many undercover agents, Cassie begins to get a little too close to her character and soon isn’t sure if she wants to……. well, I don’t want to spoil it. I highly recommend it though to any of the 58% of college grads who might choose to read something in novel form after college and anyone else who appreciates a great and increasingly rare literary experience.  Listening to it in rollicking Irish brogue with all the "wank stains" and "five star slappers" that pepper the dialog makes it all the more enjoyable. I’ve found myself driving in circles and sitting in people's driveways just to finish chapters.

I was responding to Kitty's lemon zest post on working hard or hardly working when it began to get a little windy for the comment section so I figured I'd put it here instead.

It seems that people, or most people at least, have to work. For many, this work takes time away from what they’d like to be doing which sometimes include more “creative pursuits”. Those who are seen as creative have the additional burden of being constantly encouraged to “quit your job and pursue your dreams, write that novel, paint that masterpiece!” usually by persons not doing anything of the sort themselves. I sometimes run into people who I haven't seen in years who say things along the lines of "What happened to you, I thought you were going to be a writer" or "I've been keeping my eyes open for your book. Where is it?" As a result, along with the fear that one is not living life to the fullest, the fear of being seen as a sell out begins to creep in.

It seems though that a person can bring creativity to nearly any job even if the work itself isn’t traditionally seen as creative. The more creative person finds ways to improve their immediate worlds which tends to radiate outward. These could be the rationalizations of someone who never thought they’d work for a corporation and the lamentations of someone who’d rather be earning his living as a writer than as an organizer of other writer’s works. However,  I think if you’re satisfied with yourself at the end of the day and tired for the right reasons at night you shouldn’t beat yourself up over not being seen as doing something that society traditionally holds as more artistic or creative.

And society seems to value traditional creative productions less and less these days. Reality shows are replacing traditionally written ones, television is sucking everyone’s time and energy. Would I rather be a paid writer working on Biggest Loser for Fox instead of being paid for what I currently do? Paid to make up jingles to sell fast food? Hard to say but I suspect not.

I woke up in a pretty good mood until I started reading blogs about hardly working and 42 percent of college graduates never reading another book once they leave school. Color my mood as down.

Good Evening Goliard,

We received your feedback on Friday so I wanted to reach out to you as soon as possible.  I recognize that you have been working with Mrs. S***** for some time, and thus I want to make certain that we make introductions to additional N**** analysts because of her departure from our organization.  Furthermore, you mention that you are significantly disappointed in the service.  I certainly want to speak with you about that.

I’ve included a point of contact within our Analyst staff for basic research below.  Mr. F****** is a valued member of our materials practice team.  Would you have time to meet on Monday, January 12th?  I am in the office all day if there an open window in your schedule.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards,

G. Pot***
Vice President, Research and Advisory Services

Dear Ms. Pot***

I believe I spoke to you at length a few years ago about some of my challenges using N**** and you assured me vast improvements were in the works. The company had big plans, you said, to address the cumbersome reports, archaic billing practices, and clunky website. These days, I can only long for those days. Since our conversation, N**** has extended turn around time from next day service to two weeks (which makes it basically useless to my customers and casts me in a constant bad light due to past expectations). You’ve also discontinued document delivery (which at least cleared up the billing problem) and website shortcomings and hard to manipulate reports remain the norm. And given the fact that the search results you produce are destined for experts in the field who simply hope to peruse the latest literature, your “analyst’s personal summary” which was supposed to make the wait worth it has often added comic relief but little value.

This last summer, I fully intended to terminate our relationship since the reasons N**** had been an integral part of my offered services during previous years had all but disappeared. However, based solely on a trusted professional association developed with one of your analysts Mrs. S**** and the pleasant personality of my contact person Holli A***** I agreed to continue on a limited basis even though N****’s usefulness had been reduced to nothing more than a trusted repository for already publicly available patents. Mrs. S***** would do her best to defy orders from above and turn things around as soon as possible so while still frustrating, it was not all bad. Until last week that is when my emails were suddenly unanswered and I had to call headquarters to find out that both my contacts within N**** had been unceremoniously dismissed. A day later, two patents I needed were unobtainable for some reason from the website which, by the way, is now rife with new look bells and whistles up front which may succeed in making you all look sexier but offers no improvement whatsoever on the inside in places that might actually aid existing customers. Defeated by N**** again, I was forced to apologize for the delay and retrieve the patents elsewhere.

I don’t see any point in revisiting the issues of N****’s services or lack thereof with you, especially since I am completely overextended these days doing the work Mrs. S***** once did and quite frankly don’t have the time for it. I’ve spent enough energy providing N**** with feedback over the years all of which, as far as I can tell, has been completely ignored. And since I assume you will not consider giving us a refund and despite my serious doubts that another analyst will be anywhere near as accommodating, knowledgeable and professional as Mrs. S**** was, I’ll submit any requests I can afford to wait two weeks for to Mr. F******’s attention on your recommendation. I'll do this despite having heard from a colleague back east who is familiar with the gentleman's work that he probably shouldn’t even be an analyst and is actually a low grade salesman.

Once we use up our prepaid allotment, I will bid good riddance to you and your company and spend any subsequent free time I might have and the next professional conference seeking replacement services.

I expect this to be the final communication on this matter.

Been eating and drinking too much for some time now and was thinking about doing something about it but was having trouble getting motivated when a group of co-workers came up with a unique weight loss contest that seems like it simply has to work. The same group staged a similar event last year where we all put in some money and the person who lost the largest percent of their body weight by a given date won the pot. Of course one of us got out to a big lead, the rest soon gave up, the winner collected the money and promptly put the weight back on and when the New Year rolled around this time we all found ourselves at the same weight or heavier than we were a year ago. We were lamenting and reminiscing this point the other day (while eating large plates of greasy enchiladas) when we decided we should try it again and this time make things more interesting.

The rules:

• Each entrant must lose 10% of his or her body weight by March 1^st.
• Cost is $50 a percentage point for those who fail.
• Cost after March 1^st is $30 a week until 10% is reached.
• Contest continues all year with weigh ins every Friday.
• First person to lose the 10% is paid until others catch up in inverse proportion to time lapsed.

So, if one enters and chooses to do nothing, he or she owes $500 dollars on March 1^st and $120 a month for the next nine. If someone loses five percent they pay $250 and then the 30 a week until the 10% is reached.

The good thing about it is a person is not rewarded for unhealthy fasting and these gimmick diets leading to rapid weight loss. The fact that someone in the group is insane or psychotic has no effect. As long as you do your part, lose the weight and keep it off, you break even or win money depending on the weakness of your co-workers. And since nobody is going to want to hand over 30 clams and hear the razzing for an extended period, everyone should be 10% lighter and stay that way until 2010.

We’ll see how it goes.